Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
