Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
