Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
