he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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