Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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