The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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