I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
