There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
