There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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