Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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