Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
