Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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