Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
