it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
