he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
