I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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