a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
