Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He shit in the fireplace
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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