i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
