I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
