my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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