On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
