And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
