New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I skipped work to stalk him.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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