So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
