You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
