Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
