How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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