apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
