She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sorry about my life...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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