My first STD was from a foam party
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
