Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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