i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
