I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
