I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
