Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
