The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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