walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
