Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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