That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
