did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
