i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
