could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
