It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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