If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
be right there i have to get my cape
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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