There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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