O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
