I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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