I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
