Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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