K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
