How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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